Puddle jumping protects me
Children tend to dip in and out of their grief, similar to jumping in and out of puddles. One moment, they might be deeply sad, and the next, they could be playing outside or asking what’s for tea. This behaviour can sometimes lead adults to believe that children are unaffected by grief. However, this oscillation between emotional states, often referred to as “puddle jumping,” is actually a safety mechanism. It helps prevent children from being overwhelmed by powerful emotions, some of which they are experiencing for the first time.
How children can seem to move in and out of their grief
Watch the video
As adults, we don’t like to see children upset and we naturally want to make it better, but if we can give children the space to be sad and then let them naturally recover, this allows them to experience grief in a natural way.
Rather than distracting a child when they are in a ‘sad puddle’, try to be in the puddle with them, supporting them to express their emotions and gradually processing what has happened. They will jump out of the puddle in their own time and naturally recover.
Grieving is a natural and normal reaction to bereavement. Instead of trying to block or suppress the sadness, it’s essential to support children in processing their loss while allowing them to continue being the child they are. Here are some key strategies and approaches to achieve this balance:
Simon Says….
Use clear, honest and age-appropriate language that the child will understand.
Reassure the child that they are not to blame and that all these mixed-up feelings are OK.
Keep to normal routines & boundaries and ensure they feel the secure love and support of important adults around them.
Give children space and time to talk about what has happened and ask questions.
Capture memories, make new ones and reassure them that it won’t always feel this difficult.
What do children understand?
What a child understands about death and how they may react depends on the individual child, their experiences so far, and their developmental stage.
Knowing the child well helps to find the most effective ways of supporting them.
Broadly speaking babies and young children under 2 have no understanding of the concept of death. Yet long before they can talk, babies are likely to react to upset and changes if a significant person to them dies.
Common reactions include:
- Searching behaviours
- Withdrawn/anxious
- Sleep and feeding difficulties
- Crying and unsettled
- Regression of skills
What can Help
The main way to support them is by giving lots of contact, cuddles and reassurance, and by keeping to normal routines as much as possible.
Children from around 3 may begin to use the word ‘dead’ and develop an awareness that this is different to being alive but will still struggle to understand what dead means. Children of this age do not understand abstract concepts like ‘forever’ and cannot grasp that death is permanent or that it happens to all living things.
Common reactions include:
- Repeated questions
- Play or act out their feelings
- Regression in skills e.g. toilet training
- Emotional outbursts or lack of emotion
- Separation anxiety
- Sleep and appetite affected
What can Help
Try to keep same structures and routines as much as possible. Use the words dead and died rather than other euphemisms such as ‘lost’, ‘gone to sleep’ and ‘passed away’. Although phrases seem kinder, children are very literal and so it creates a layer of confusion that can then cause further anxiety and sleep difficulties.
Give simple answers to questions in age-appropriate language, naming the feelings that they are experiencing and help them feel part of what’s going on.
Children gradually develop an understanding that death is permanent, irreversible and that the person who has died will not return. As a result, they can become anxious about their own, and others’ health and safety.
Children’s imagination and ‘magical thinking’ at this age can mean that some children believe that their thoughts or actions may be able to change the outcome “If I’m really good, Daddy might come back.”
Children may display somatic symptoms, so they are experiencing grief in their bodies. It can often feel like a sore tummy or headache.
They may show some really big feelings but not have the vocabulary to explain the emotion they are feeling.
Common reactions include:
- Fear the death of others
- Somatic symptoms
- Repeated questions
- Anxious about change
- Withdrawn or emotional outbursts
- Struggle to express their feelings
What can Help
Children at this age need honest and simple answers to their questions that can be built on over time, and opportunities to express their feelings.
A useful approach is to think of it like building a jigsaw. Start with one or two key pieces of information that fit and make sense for the child developmentally. Follow the child’s lead and gradually add more pieces of information as time passes and they grow and mature.
Use the words dead and died rather than other euphemisms such as ‘lost’, ‘gone to sleep’ and ‘passed away’ that can cause confusion and anxiety.
It is important to reassure them that nothing they did or said caused the death and they are not to blame in any way.
Children who are aged 9-12 are entering a time of transition and are likely to be moving to a new school. Transitioning from one school into another can be very difficult for some children who have experienced a bereavement.
At this age, children understand the finality of death and that the person is not coming back. They are also more aware of the impact the death has on them, for example, that special person won’t be there for important birthdays or milestones like moving to secondary school.
Children will have developed a vocabulary to understand their thoughts and feelings, however, they might not want to share them for fear of upsetting other people.
Common reactions include:
- Concentration/sleep difficulties
- Alteration in schoolwork
- Seek reassurance
- Swings in mood
- Overwhelmed by distress/anger
- Withdrawn/reluctance to talk
What can Help
Giving young people permission and opportunities to talk about how they feel, their worries and talking about the person who died is important. Sometimes a child may feel the death was somehow their fault and so gentle reassurance and answering their questions will help to ease their concerns.
In theory this age group could have an adult understanding of death – but what does this mean? Our experiences of grief, bereavement and loss are shaped largely by what’s gone before, how our family unit deal with it and whether it is talked about. For each young person this may be very different.
They will now understand the finality of death and its impact on their future, living their life without their special person. They also maybe questioning the meaning of life, what happens after death, and developing their own beliefs.
Bereavement can feel be overwhelming and bring about very intense feeling. It can also result in huge additional changes, alongside other challenges that young people face as they grow up. They may want to forget or deny the death or how strongly they feel. They may feel ‘what’s the point?’ with school or social activities.
Bereaved young people may find it difficult to talk and may become withdrawn but also test boundaries, be more impulsive and take risks in an attempt to get back some control in their life.
Young people who were bereaved at a younger age will re-process their grief and this can lead to additional questions surrounding their loved one and how they died.
Common reactions include:
- Risk taking behaviours
- Hides feelings/withdrawn
- Aggressive
- Concentration difficulties
- Social problems with friends
- Mood swings
- Struggle to sleep
What can Help
As with the younger age groups, it is helpful to maintain boundaries with compassion so there is an understanding that the young person may have many complex emotions that are making them feel out of control.
Keep the young person involved in decision making and giving them an option or choice will help them to feel secure and understood.
Letting them know you available and are there for them even if they don’t want to talk, will feel supportive and unpressured.
Grief is a normal reaction to a bereavement and young people need clear and truthful information about the death and to their questions.
The Whirlpool of Grief
A useful pictorial way for children to understand the grief journey is explained by Dr Richard Wilson’s visual picture of ‘The Whirlpool of grief.’
The Whirlpool of Grief – Wilson R. 1993.
The picture depicts an oarsman rowing along the ‘River of Life’. When they experience the death of someone who is close to them, they are plunged down the ‘Waterfall of Bereavement’ into the ‘Whirlpool of Grief’.
“Coming down the waterfall represents a sudden disruption to one’s life, which may have been flowing along quite smoothly up to this point. It represents shock and numbness.
The whirlpool represents the emotional upheaval and disorganisation that follows (anger, guilt, anxiety, etc.). being ‘all washed up’ on the banks of the river could represent ‘being stuck’ and unable to move on.
Before being able to progress one would have to get back into the whirlpool and experience the emotional turmoil.
With gradual acceptance of the loss, one would be able to move along the river of life again.” Wilson R, 1993.
At the Simon Says support groups, we explore this useful grief model and use collage materials to make our own journeys of grief.
10 top tips when supporting bereaved children and families
Grieving children typically don’t need a specialised bereavement professional, but rather, people who genuinely care and provide support. By supporting children in these ways, we can help them navigate their grief while continuing to experience the joys of childhood. This balanced approach promotes healthy emotional development and resilience.
It is helpful to have a ‘link adult’ who can regularly keep in contact with the child’s home. Knowing what the child or young person has been told about the death and then what they understand is vital to know as these two things can quite often be very different. Be aware of how the family culture or belief systems shape the way death is understood and what language is being used with the child.
When everything else may feel like it has fallen apart, keeping familiar routines and boundaries of behaviour are reassuring to a child and young person and offer a sense of security and continuity.
Adults should try not to make assumptions about what the child should be doing, how they should be feeling or what is going to help- everyone’s grief journey is as unique as they are.
When things feel out of control, giving a choice or options to a child brings some control into their life. Ask them what they would like to happen and who they would like to support them.
Some children may want to keep a transitional object or photo in their bag/pocket that reminds them of their special person. Older children may need to use a ‘time out card’ or a mood stone to indicate they are feeling overwhelmed and need to go to a safe space. They may not want to talk, but just need some time to draw, write or just be quiet.
Grieving children need time and space to express their feelings safely and to be the children they are. Trusted adults can offer a safe place to talk about their thoughts and feelings.
Children often hide their own grief and appear to be OK and so it is important that they have a safe environment where they can learn to express this grief in different ways and the option of not needing to talk if they do not want to.
Sometimes it is easier for young people to talk if they are doing an activity at the same time. Visit our activities page for children and young people and consider setting up a bereavement group in your setting.
People often feel worried that they will say the wrong thing, but children tell us that the worst thing to say is nothing. In general, children have a much greater capacity to deal with the harsh realities of life than we realise, if they are told in an age-appropriate way using clear language. What a child doesn’t know, they tend to make up and this can be much more frightening to them and difficult to deal with, than the truth. Even a very painful truth is better than feeling confused.
What words should I use?
We always advise to use clear and simple language and to use the terms dead, death and died with children.
Try not to use phrases such as
Lost // Gone to sleep // Passed away // Gone // Lost their fight // In a better place
These phrases may feel kinder but are misleading and can add a layer of confusion and complication for children and young people who may misinterpret the meaning:
Lost = “Let’s go and find them” “Why aren’t we looking for them?”
Gone to sleep = “I’m afraid of going to bed tonight” “I’m scared of night times”
Passed away = “Where have they passed to?” “Can they pass back?”
Gone = “Where have they gone?” “When will they come back?”
Lost their fight = “Who were they fighting” “Why didn’t they fight harder?”
In a better place = “Where is better than being here with us?” “I want to go there too”
Be clear and real with children:
“I was really sorry to hear that your dad died, can you tell me about your dad?” “What did you used to do together?”
How do I answer?
Death often causes lots of questions for children that are very hard to answer, don’t be afraid to say “That’s a really good question, I’m going to think about it and answer you later? Make sure you do get back to the child and answer it later!
Repeated questions from a child are sometimes not about more information, but more a way to check out that what has happened is true and not just a bad dream or their imagination.
It is helpful to sometimes turn the question back to the child and ask them what they think. This then not only gives you some thinking time but also you will hear the child’s language, context and understanding.
Don’t assume the child does understand, don’t assume the child doesn’t understand!
Suggested answers to questions
Knowing a child really well, understanding their stage of development along with what the family has told the child and what they understand, will help you form simple answers to their questions.
Here are some questions we hear from children and a possible response:
“What does dead mean? “
“It is when someone’s body stops working. Their heart stops beating, they stop breathing and their brain doesn’t work anymore.”
“Does being dead hurt?”
“No, he isn’t in pain, he cannot feel hot or cold or hungry or thirsty.”
“When will I die?”
“We will all die one day because all things that are alive do die but this is usually not until we are really old and not for a very long time.”
“Where is Granny now?”
“Her body is in the coffin but there are different ideas about what happens to the person we love after they die, what do you think?”
Things to say and not to say
Here are some phrases that our bereaved children and young people tell us are helpful and phrases that are less helpful:
Helpful Phrases
- Your feelings are normal
- Thank you for telling me about
- That must have been difficult
- What was that like?
- How do you feel about that?
- I wonder if….
Unhelpful Phrases
- Do you understand?
- I know how you feel
- Don’t cry
- Don’t be angry
- You’ll get over it in time
When a child is grieving it can be much more difficult for them to feel hopeful or optimistic about their lives and their future. Trusted adults can ‘hold’ the hope for the child or young person.
Look ahead to important milestones in the child or young person’s life, such as school transitions, hobbies or events relating to their interests. Find ways to remind them that there are things to look forward to and offer them images of themselves finding enjoyment and success in the future.
Help them to see that they will not always feel like this.
Young people and their families tell us how helpful it is when information about their circumstances can be passed on to others so that they do not need to continually repeat their story at each transition point.
There is no timetable and no quick fix for grief.
Grief reactions may not show themselves immediately – it may be months or even years after the event. Grief may be revisited at significant times and at different stages of development.
Be aware of particular dates that could trigger a grief reaction e.g., Mother’s and Father’s Day, sporting events, the loved one’s birthday, Christmas, holidays. Talk to the family and the child/young person about what they would like to do, give them options and choices.
Supporting a child or young person following a bereavement can be difficult for the adults around the child. It can bring back their own experiences of death especially if the loss has been recent. Ensure there is support for staff to help them look after themselves and clear access to support networks.
